The Right Wing Ghost Town

Brazil’s right flank has gone missing faster than my willpower at an all-you-can-eat buffet! 78% attacks down the left? Even London weather is less predictable.

Midfield Retirement Home

Casemiro’s interceptions dropping 40%? At this rate, we might as well bring back Zico… from retirement home!

The xG Mystery

Richarlison’s -3.7 xG? My nan could score better blindfolded! Meanwhile Jesus turns into Pelé… but only when it doesn’t matter.

Time to wake up, CBF! Or should we just rename it ‘Carnival But No Football’? What’s your take, folks?

When Samba Met Scouse Chaos

December 1981: the day Liverpool’s defence learned Brazilian Portuguese for ‘how to get roasted’. Zico & Co. turned Tokyo into their personal dance floor, leaving English hearts broken like Phil Thompson’s ankles after that dummy.

Stats Don’t Lie (But They Do Humiliate)

63% possession? 22 dribbles by Zico alone? Even my Python scripts blushed analyzing this masterclass. That nutmeg on Nunes’ second goal was so filthy it should’ve come with a soap bar.

Pro Tip: Watch Larruda’s tackle at 67’ - the original ‘dark arts’ tutorial before Fernandinho was born.

Still think gegenpressing is German? Fla did it first while playing samba rhythms with their feet. Discuss!